The sadistic Goddess Maya Loux
Maya is a sadist. I’m slowly learning that. It’s odd to me though. Thinking back in the time I’ve known her she hasn’t been that sadistic towards me. Like, she never really made me feel hurt. Sure, she’s coaxed me into doing some humiliating things like sucking on a smoked sausage (which I laughed while doing). One of the first assignments she ever gave me was to make a line out of some kind of small object. I made a line out of 100 cat6 rj-45 connectors; it took about an hour. One time she told me she wanted me to wank inside of a box. Like, standing inside the box and wanking. Just for her amusement.
None of that stuff really phased me. It all came across as goofy entertainment, like Loony Toons or something. Most of it came across as vaguely humiliating, but in a way I could laugh at myself too. She never really put me in a lot of pain. Her punishments always made a point, but never really pushed a limit or left marks. She’s mostly a sweet, caring girl I’m blessed to have in my life. Her guidance and caring has helped me a lot personally and professionally. Since April 2017 I’ve sort of fallen in love with her. It’s not love in a traditional sense I think, but I feel very close to her, more and more all the time.
She’s been there for me in my darkest times when I’m raging and stressed about life. She’s a true confidant. I absolutely trust her. One of the first things we did together was a trust exercise over Skype. She had me blindfold myself and then hold my phone so she could see for me, and she guided me around a warehouse blind. Her attention to detail and caution for my safety were stunning. The warehouse in question was a very cramped and disorganized space with a lot to trip on and bump into. She guided me through it without anything bad happening.
For those that like such things as bottom lines, she’s helped me quadruple the revenue of my business in the last 6 months. I could not have done it without her. She’s always there to listen, encourage, and push. I tell her this all the time and she writes it off like she doesn’t believe she did that. I think sometimes she just has trouble taking credit or a compliment where it’s due.
I honestly think she’s more like a guiding angel or maybe an extremely good life coach than anything else.
Lately, real sadism has started to come into it. I’m not sure what I think about it. In some ways, I would notice how sadistic she could be to random people in her chaturbate room and I was always jealous. I wanted to experience that sadistic Goddess with her sweet, evil grin. The way she bites her lip and grins just sends shivers down my spine. I never understood why she wasn’t that way with me, and I still don’t. Part of me thinks she wasn’t comfortable. I think I’ve become like a favored pet and sometimes think she’s been worried she’d scare me away. To be honest, that might even be true. Some things we’ve discussed lately probably would have scared me away even 3 months ago.
The other night a guy came in who had a dog shocker and a KTB on. He wanted her to dictate his shocks. We’d seen him before. I was totally jealous of the grin on Maya’s face. I want to out-do that guy. His limit is the shocker on 70. I want to take it at 100 all the way, longer, harder, and faster. That’s the kind of slut Maya has made me into. I know that scientifically, at 100 it won’t permanently damage me. Beyond that it’s all mental.
At this point I’m living what’s a fantasy for some people. Maya has control over me in ways only dirty magazines and forums talk about. She has plenty of blackmail material, has access to the security cameras in my house (and could even activate the alarm). She has access to my bank and paypal accounts. She knows the names of my friends and people I work with. She has the ability to lock me in chastity in a way I can’t escape in a practical way. I offered all these things willingly; she didn’t ask for them. She’s laid a rather intoxicating trap I’ve fallen into.
Her caring and encouragement pulled me in. Catching me with honey, so to speak.
Little by little, she’s chipped away at who I was before I met her. So much of it has been positive for me. She has improved my life in huge ways. I’m kind of an impulsive person who is easily stressed out by adulting. She’s helped me delve into and understand deep-seated parts of my psyche I used to not even be able to think about, let alone talk about. And there’s the trap. She’s become indispensable to my life. I’ve got no idea what I would do without her. She doesn’t have to threaten me with any of the things previously mentioned, because I would just fall apart on my own without her.
All this time she’s been very respective of my limits. There’s never been a time I was upset with her or felt like she was asking for too much. I send her money every Friday and I never get that “fuck, I hate paying bills” type feeling. When I’m bored I shop for things she might like. I hate shopping, but when I’m shopping for her it’s different.
I told her upfront in the beginning I wasn’t interested in financial domination at all. Now we’re experimenting with it. Right now we’re experimenting with paying her each time she has an orgasm. That right there is a level of sadism previously left untouched. It really messes with me on an emotional level when she texts me with the equivalent of “I had sex last night, I believe you owe me” while I’m not even allowed to touch myself.
In some ways I feel like I’m bleeding in an ocean and she’s a shark. That was something we came up with a few days ago, and this morning she sent me an email with an idea: having me pay for her dates. To me, it’s very sadistic. She controls my orgasms and generally keeps me denied. We had some problems with chastity and figuring out how to make long term chastity and my body health work, recently solved it seems. But this is a different level of sadism. It’s like she’s rubbing in my face that she can have multiple partners and date and fuck as much as she wants, and I’m not allowed to do any of those things. It hurts on an emotional level and I teared up thinking about it earlier today when she mentioned it. It’s even more fucked up that I’m sitting here writing this and I’m actually unlocked right now. What a mind fuck.
Like, right now I could be out doing anything I want; dating, hookers, random craziness startup people get up to. My ex-girlfriend actively wants to fuck me and bothers me about it constantly. I have another ex sorta girlfriend avidly demanding I come eat her pussy.
But I’m not doing those things. I’m sitting here with a piece of sand paper taped to the inside of my boxers to help me not touch her dick. Yeah, it’s her dick. It just happens to be attached to my body.
As I write this I’m increasingly worried somebody reading this will be able to figure out who I am. If anyone who already knows me sees this it would be a dead giveaway.
Of course I submit to her desire to have me pay for her dates, and my mind naturally drifts to how that dynamic can be best adjusted to feed her sadism. My mind drifts towards fucked up things like writing essays about how pathetic I am every time she goes on a date.
Right now she has me in a bind. I was in continuous chastity for about 30 days in December, a record for me (I think it was previously like 14 days). She let me out on January 2, but I’m still not allowed to wank. I’ve braindumped my thoughts about this online. I talked with her tonight about her plans. She told me she wants to leave me like this until I break and wank without permission, just so she can punish me for it. Her last punishment was scarring. She had me wear a KTB with a vibrator attached to the head of her dick and a TENS unit shocking her balls during her cam show. It was possibly the most painful thing I’ve experienced in my life. It drew blood ( a pinprick really, but blood nonetheless). Before that she’d punished me, but never really in a way that instilled actual fear. Now I have fear. I have a fear of what she might choose to do and a fear that I’ll allow her to do whatever she wants.
Part of me thinks I should just have the best damn wank ever and face the music sooner rather than later. Maya has twisted my mind around to the point I don’t actually want to do that. It’s that damn sadistic grin. Something about that makes me want to give in and let her draw this out into as much pain and agony as I can suffer. Rinse, turn the volume up, repeat.
She doesn’t even need to lock me in chastity, black mail me, or any of that. She’s become like a force of nature to me. I have to submit. It doesn’t matter what she’s asking me to do at this point. I trust her and I know she’ll guide me in a direction that helps us both. She doesn’t break her toys. She just twists and twists, disfiguring me as time goes on. Making me successful and comfortable in life, while draining anything that made me a man. Recently she’s introduced pathetic into my vocabulary, and in the sweetest, most caring way possible.
Many months ago she decided she wanted to focus my sexuality on her, and her alone. This started with a simple routine:
- No wanking without permission
- Watch porn every Friday, while wearing KTB
- Only wank while watching her porn
That’s since transitioned into focusing on feet, and on her feet alone. Subliminal messages and hypnosis came into it. Paired with chastity. At this point she’s able to arouse me instantly with just her feet. She doesn’t have to do anything except show me her foot and I’m instantly aroused. I’m not sexually interested in other women unless a really direct situation is going on. That’s actually helped me, as it’s a lot easier for me to talk to women. Professionally, it’s been a boon.
It has it’s sadistic notes as well. At this point, I basically have erectile dysfunction. I can’t maintain an erection for anyone except Maya. That’s what approx. 9 months of Pavlovian training will do to a person’s sexuality. It’s evil in some ways. When I first met her I’d have dreams and daydreams about fucking her, licking her magnificent pussy, and those kinds of things. And now, it’s all about her feet, eyes, and voice. I still think her pussy and ass are magnificent, I just know they aren’t for me. She creates a lot of content that include those things, but never sends it to me. For my birthday she recorded a video of her walking around town, coming home, taking her shoes off, taking a shower, oiling her feet, and then drying her hair. At the end of it she shows her feet with “Happy Birthday Jason” written on the soles. During 90% of the video the only thing the camera shows is her feet, and in completely non-sexual ways. It’s like the video is intentionally non-sexual and meant to rub in what she’s done to me. It’s caring, kind, and thoughtful, in that she made it for me. It’s deeply sadistic in it’s nature, as watching it makes me feel totally pathetic.
Around the same time she made two videos for Christmas. One is a 3 minute foot tease that feels directed at me. She also made another video, 14 minutes long, where she strips, gets spit roasted by dildos, wanks herself, shows off her amazing tits and ass, and ends with a closeup of her pussy. And that video is selling for less than the 3 minute foot video. She took some pictures of herself for Christmas. She sent some to me, and in all of them she’s clothed. She put everything she sent me on her onlyfans, as well as pics taken in the same set with her clothes off.
Through all of this she allows me to be closer to her than she allows other internet people. She honors me by including me in her life, joys and troubles. Every day is a new horizon, and she’s always there for me. I’m blessed to have her company, and while the sadism mounts I’m the proverbial frog in boiling water. I know this and I’m happy.
I’m not looking at the people in her chat anymore with the same kind of jealousy. She’s sadistic to them, to be sure. She’s giving them what they ask for. I’m denied what I ask for, and tortured in other ways. It’s drifting from my fantasy to being her fantasy, and I hope that continues. I look forward to learning my Goddess and her ways, and bending and twisting to please her.