Caring, Gentle Femdom

brings one into the deep waters of submission, at least in my case. It doesn’t make you less dominant to ask permission or to check on your submissive. Goddess posted this image about it on Twitter earlier today and I want to elaborate on it from a sub’s perspective. Well, a sub who’s also a “retired” dominant.

I have those moments I want to crank Closer and let Goddess re-enact every kind of horror movie, crazy girlfriend type thing on me with wild abandon. Just let her go totally crazy on me and fuck me up. It seems like the typical social idea of a domme might be a cruel, uncaring bitch, and to be fair that idea can be quite rousing. It throws my mind in loops imagining Maya whipping me until I’m past crying and my blood is dripping on the floor.

The thing is, her level of care and attention would seem to contradict this notion of a dominant at first glance. It’s true porn, media, and books paint this kind of uncaring tormentor image and Maya breaks that mold. Twitter and the interwebz are full of dominants acting as posterchildren for that idea.

Caring, Gentle Domination is Deeper, Closer

Often times we’ve reached a point where Goddess stops the scene, leans in and asks me: “are you okay sweet?” or “can you take this?” In those moments I’m at my most vulnerable. Not just before her, but in existence. When she stops to ask or check, I know I have to be totally honest with her. It’s actually a power move. When she’s asking those questions my soul is laid bare before her and it feels like she hold’s my life and dreams in the palm of her hand.

So many things have stemmed from those kinds of moments, you see. I’ll give you an example.

Last Winter she had me locked in a ktb with a vibrator on the head of my member as punishment for wanking without permission. It was one of the most intense experiences I’ve had in my life and it drew blood. She stopped a few different times to check if I was okay. Each time she checked a few things were happening:

1. We checked if it’s safe to continue. Because that’s sane.
2. Each time She checked my control waned and I felt more under her spell.
3. We both learned from the experience. The play was more intense mentally and emotionally than it was physically. It was very bonding.

Through the whole thing she made her point and instilled a true fear in me. The fear being fertilized by the fact I allowed her to do that to me and take it that far. Knowing I would submit to it again and again if she wanted.

Communicating Limits Conveys Power and Control

All too often I see new players communicate limits which amount to “don’t kill me”. People who do this aren’t fully grasping the purpose of limits. Let me provide an example of what real limits can look like. These are paraphrased from a former sub of my own.

1. No hair pulling in public.
2. No cosmetics or body modifications that can’t be undone or washed off unless they can be easily covered by clothing, but it’s okay if covering them would be uncomfortable or look stupid.
3. Don’t deny me food or water for more than 24 hours.
4. Play stops if blood is drawn, unless I say it’s okay to continue.

That’s not a complete list, but it’s enough to illustrate my point. A set of limits like that demonstrates the sub trusts the dominant and also illustrates the sub is in touch with themselves. Very often limits that specific develop over time as the dominant and sub work together to learn them.

…but what’s the fun in limits? Well, they can be a road map…

Just for example, here are a few things I did with that sub:

1. One time I’d tied her to a bed and had been teasing her for about an hour. She was whimpering and I could tell she totally wanted to cum. I pricked her ass with a bobby pin and a little drop of blood welled up on her skin. Oh… that’s play time over *evil grin*
2. Another time I drew a really bad “Nascar” logo on her forehead with a sharpy marker before we went to a carnival. Now, that would break limit #2 except I gave her one of those ridiculous winter aviator hats to wear that would cover it up (stock image right) and told her she couldn’t take it off without my permission. So we walked around a carnival in the heat of July while she sweat her ass off. She finally asked permission to remove the hat and display her “awesome” Nascar logo (she hated Nascar).

How much fun is it…

to drive down a road with cops parked everywhere and no posted speed limit?

I may not speak for all dominants here, but I can say as a dominant I’ve experienced a sort of bewilderment, even insecurity dealing with submissives who don’t know how to communicate limits or really understand safe, sane, consensual play. I end up worrying and doubting myself with thoughts like “is this person going to hate me afterwards” or “will we both regret this?”

It’s like driving down a road with cops parked everywhere but no posted speed limit, constantly worried I’m either going too fast or too slow. It’s playing a game without knowing the rules.

A dominant’s best tools are questions, dreams, and fears. Checking on the sub, asking them for permission is an exchange of power. It’s a constant re-affirmation that the sub is mine to play with.

I hope those reading this, especially those new to bdsm gain something from this. One should not think of well-stated limits and adherence to safe, sane, consensual play in any way dampen the experience. They deepen it and build a strong bond between Dominant and submissive. If you’re not exploring this you’re missing out.

Talk to Maya for help learning your limits 😉