(not) Waiting in Line – Life hacks for better living

Or how I ghosted the line at Walgreens while wearing stockings and a chastity cage

Goddess has previously expressed confusion about waiting in line, or what she’d call queuing. The British are well known for being experts at this talent. I suspect it may have something to do with the resilience of the UK through a long history of strife, famine, and war. It’s very British to form organized, rigid queues. You see, during any civil unrest crowd control is vital for survival.

A typical line in the States may look like what I just encountered at Walgreens. There’s a sweet retired lady running register, with a disorganized mob of zombies generally clustered around her. I guess you could call it a line… but it’s really more of a cluster fuck.

Exploiting the Zombies

American lines are easy to exploit. They’re dangerous. The zombie mentality is dangerous. Here’s why.

I walked into Walgreens, saw the zombies, and knew I had come for one thing only: Nongshim Spicy Noodles. Gotta have em, and I don’t have time to blend in today. As I walked into the store, someone made a comment about my backpack, could I just leave it by the door?

I ignored her, and called out “the register seems slow, look at all these people.” [ flash-bang grenade deployed ]

My plan in motion, I walked directly to my objective, captured it, and back towards the register. The woman who’d commented about my backpack was still trying to figure out what to do about me. I looked her in the eye and smiled. As I approached I ripped off the UPC barcodes of my sweet, sweet prize and pulled two dollars out of my pocket. Her face: total confusion, even fear. I walked past her, leaving the barcodes and two sweaty dollar bills on the counter.

Total time in Walgreens: 2 minutes

Same people still in line when I left: all of them + 2 more zombies

Police called: you bet.

Will they do anything about it: nope.

Noodles: they’re pretty good. I even took the time to cook an egg, and throw in some mushrooms and onions.

Getting out of Walgreens in 2 minutes flat, while causing a civil panic and exciting the local law, without technically breaking the law: priceless

That’s crazy! How do you get away with that?

They’re zombies and I was Darrel Hicks. I distracted them, instead of engaging. When one stumbled in front of me it was because I wanted it to be there. I dropped it with a precision strike right between the eyes and used it like a body shield.

They didn’t know what was happening. I had my noodles at home in the microwave by the time they called the police.

“That dude on the electric bike came in and walked out with cheap noodles!”

“…I think he was wearing stockings too… what the fuck?”

Yep, the police know exactly who that guy is. I got a call about 5 minutes ago and they’re laughing their asses off about it. Most entertaining thing they’ve heard all day.

So back to the point about lines and queuing…

If there were ever a large scale disaster in the United States half the populace would be fucked. No way in Hell would we survive something like the Blitz or food lines.

So what’s the point? Isn’t this a serious problem you ask? Well… not to the people who would survive. Not to the Negans` and Michonnes` walking among us. For us, it’s perfectly fine having all these zombies around. Makes life easier.

If you’re reading this and you got any kind of problem moving ahead in your career, or you have zombies blocking you, stop and think. Make a plan. Understand the layout of the battlefield, the rules of engagement. Get rid of those conveniences you rely on, they’re probably crutches in disguise.

Next time you wanna swipe that card or type in that PIN, consider: what I did was only possible with cash. I knew exactly what I wanted, where it was located, and kept everything moving. Drew my cash like Clint Eastwood and dropped those UPCs on the counter like an old Western movie. Rolling with the punches. This my my Kung Fu.

With the ten minutes I saved, I was able to turn those Nongshim’s into a little slice of heaven and drop some wisdom like Thor’s hammer, leaving you with a smile on your face and rethinking the concept of queues. Or you might think I’m a pretentious asshole. But you won’t forget me. 😉