Mistress wants me to open my webcam to the public

Goddess Maya has been after me for a long time now to start camming. I’ve oscillated between “hell no” and “maybe if I was drunk enough”. The whole idea of being a public cam slave scares me. I’ve never directly said no, I’ve only said I’m not ready. Every kind of excuse has been used with varying degrees of legitimacy.

The thing is, I want to please her. It would make her happy to put me on cams. Sometimes her motivations about these things aren’t clear and that’s half what scares me. She’ll tell me what she wants but usually leaves the reason vague. Guessing at her reasons tends to obscure things even more. What’s worse, once I cave to her wishes I tend to feel like I secretly wanted it to begin with. It makes me feel dirty sometimes. Logically, I know it’s a psychology treatment known as reframing, which has also been used as a tried and true brainwashing technique.

~ Side Note ~

That said, everything that happens between us is consensual. I want to stress that for any overly worried readers.

Also, I want to make it clear I specifically consented to and asked for subliminal training, hypnosis, and brain washing. For me, the fantasy is and was being at Her mercy and molded however She wants.

Anyway, Goddess has wanted to put me on cams for a while. She’s not been pushy about it. That’s not her style. She simply mentions it would please her. Last weekend that changed. Last weekend she put me on cams with a mask, heels, and collar (and in chastity, of course). I think the trick was getting me to a mental place where I felt I owed it to her. Maybe I do. I’m not sure. That’s one way she pushes me past these limits and comfort zones.

It starts with some comments about what she’d enjoy. Sometimes I’ll openly offer to do it, if it’s something I’m already okay with or curious about myself. In other cases though, it winds on for a while with casual mentions and comments. Eventually, I will fuck up. Eventually, I’ll do something wrong or break some rule, and when that happens out come the dragons. In those states I feel like I have to make it up to her. I’ve got to restore her favour.

Back to the Subject

Being put on cams was scary for me. It was a true trip out of my comfort zone, and I wasn’t even sure if I’d go ahead with it. So many fears rushed through my mind. Everything from who might see me to what people may say to me. I did it though. For the first bit I didn’t want to talk, move, or anything. I felt like a deer caught in headlights. Sitting there in my chair with my mask on, watching a semi truck barrelling down the road at me.

Goddess’s voice is the most comforting thing in the world to me. She spoke: she told me to put on lipstick. It’s so fucking screwed up. Her voice… listening and obeying her calmed me down while making the situation even more humiliating. It’s a toxic cycle. The more scared and humiliated I am the more I need to hear her voice to comfort me, but her voice… just keeps making it worse.

Last weekend she broke me down to nothing. A scared, humiliated puppet while anyone was free to watch. And it was recorded.. oh yes. Goddess has a full recording of the whole thing in HD. I know she wants people to see it. It would please her to show it off. She’s asked me to write this post and to include some pictures. Highlights of her victory over me.

I don’t know where this is headed. She’d previously asked me to create a tip menu and make my own profile. I made the profile, got it verified and everything, but never did anything with it. Last weekend’s events keep replaying through my head, almost like post-traumatic stress. Along with them, are new fantasies. New ideas about how my public shame can please Goddess Maya. It arouses me while simultaneously tearing my mind apart. Since she asked me to write this I speculate the future holds more public camming for me and that I’ll learn to like it.