I’m writing this on a “how to have a healthy D/s relationship” sort of tack. Communication is extremely important, especially about limits, fears, and deep-seated emotions. If you’re a dominant you’ve got to be ready and able to encounter some of the deeper, darker corners of your sub’s mind. If you’re a sub you have to be able to communicate to your dominant about how you feel.

Last night Goddess Maya asked me to come up with a worship dance for her and perform it. It sounds innocuous. She really enjoys humiliating and degrading subs, and I really like to amuse her that way. It works. However, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It bothered me last night after she went to bed. This morning I’ve sent her an email explaining why I’m having trouble.

I had a bad experience in middle school that’s made me very afraid of dancing. There’s just a big ball of negative and fearful emotions around it. It’s so deep seated it’s something I never thought to express to anybody. I’ve lived my whole life with girlfriends and others wondering why I won’t dance with them. It’s so bad just having dance music on while a woman is in the room makes me tense up and get anxious.

Safe words and communication are really important for this kind of thing. A lot of people, especially online tend to overlook this. It’s easy to say “okay Mistress, just do whatever you want” and maybe throw some standard limits in that are really just common sense (like “don’t break my arm”). Going down that path is going to end badly for all parties involved. Communication, in both directions, is super important. I’m glad this has happened, because Maya has forced me to confront something deep down that’s bothered me for years. I trust her and she makes me feel safe, so I’m able to confront it and communicate with her about it.

Domme’s have feelings too

Domme’s have feelings too. Yes, it’s true. If I had just refused to dance for her without explaining it might have hurt her feelings. She might have thought I don’t care enough, or I’m not interested, or who knows what. By the same token if she’d forced me to do it without listening to why I have a problem, it could have made my issue worse or built resentment towards her. If you’re reading this and you’re in a D/s relationship where you can’t communicate like I’m describing you should sit down and take some serious personal inventory.

 

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